17 Stories of Eating Disorder Survival
I was fortunate enough to contribute to a Buzzfeed article with 16 other individuals who also survived an eating disorder. The stories collected are a powerful depiction of how vast and extensive eating disorders are, and how they do not discriminate among gender, age, social status, body-size, etc. - s.e.c
February 25th, 2015 - There was no real moment when my recovery began. Where I said, “I’ve decided to get better” or could magically shut off the voice in my head. Simply facing the possibility of recovery was a long process in itself, like a flower sitting in the cold of winter and painfully turning toward the sun. Done so carefully, in fact, it doesn’t even register the movement.
But there was a moment when I felt things shift; I was sprawled out in my college dorm room, workout clothes on, reprimanding myself with the typical shoulds and shouldn’ts, when a part of my mind or body or soul that I didn’t know still existed burst bright and asked, “Why?”
I didn’t have an answer, but my eating disorder had plenty. All the answers I knew so well. The ones that haunted me in my sleep and stole me from the day. The answers that had driven me to destroy myself for years. Somehow, though, while my mind continued relentlessly, I realized my answer didn’t matter just yet because the question itself was strong enough. The place from where it came inside me was strong enough.
When I started my recovery, I had lost so much of who I was that, in order to find myself again, I had to start with what I knew: I love the sound of rain through an open window, I love my dog’s sweet kisses, I love how the sun looks in winter.
In the beginning, that I was all I could recall, but the more I recovered, the more I remembered. What was even more exciting were the things I started to learn about myself for the first time. And even though they might look minuscule — like why I dance while making dinner, why I laugh so loud, why I asked “Why?” that day — I’m pretty sure they’re the only things that really add up in the end.
- S.E. Carson
(from Buzzfeed's 17 Stories of Eating Disorder Survival, Feb 2015)