Confessions of a Carson

Here's a confession. 

I don't know how to ask for help.

I can do it objectively. As in, talk about dysautonomia and my experience with eating disorders and depression. My reflections on anxiety and thoughts on all in between. But there is some microchip in me missing for when it's in the moment. I don't know how to ask for anything unless the moment has passed somewhat and I've dealt with it in some capacity. Whether reflection or distance or it's, at least, not as raw. 

Plus, "help" is such a heavy word for me. Oftentimes it's appropraite, yes. But a lot of the time it's something else. Another word I can't quite place that doesn't mean anything less, just something different.

I have too many thoughts and too many feelings. I think and feel them now, which is good. Really good, because I used to not. But it's like they're in a pot these days with a lovely, clear lid. I let them bubble or simmer or cool or do whatever they need to do; the clear top so I don't hide them or ignore them because self-growth and bettering yourself and being healthy and stuff! But when things slop over the side, or boil over, I freeze. And instead of asking for help or someone to sit on the floor and wait with me, I just stand there until it settles, clean up, and then if I want I say, "Guess what my emotions did today!" 

There's nothing wrong with this, of course. But it's the fact that I literally don't know how to (can't) do it in the moment. I don't know how to say, "Will someone talk to me because I would like to chat right now." Maybe there is just a limit to what I'm capable of in that capacity? I don't know.

So, I thought, wouldn't it be nice for little broken me if there was a signal I could use? Like a bat signal, or "steal second base". The suave 'side of the nose' from The Sting or a picture of a giant rooster wearing a fish hat. (Or a bat signal OF a rooster wearing a fish hat. Bam. Nailed it.)

But it could be universal, then. You wouldn't even necessarily have to speak the same language as the other person. And wouldn't that just be easier than trying to find the words? Than saying,  "I need help" or "I need someone to listen" or "Can someone talk to me about unrelated, stupid stuff so I can feel less alone"? Instead, people could just walk by you and see you asking without you having to ask. 

I don't know. I'll keep trying, but I'll keep thinking this thought, too. Because I like it; I picture strangers hugging strangers because of it.