So, my health has been less than stellar the past couple weeks. Thankfully, it's been somewhat manageable (I've been able to bathe, fix myself simple meals, etc.) but it hasn't allowed for a lot of that necessary extraneous energy that helps keep homes in a livable state and silly things like that.
I was diagnosed with another chronic illness at the end of December (which I'm still processing) and whether that ties in to how cruddy I've felt, I don't know. I doubt it, because I've probably been dealing with this issue for years. But, regardless, I've decided I would just like a punchpass on my chronic illnesses if I could, please.
I think most people with chronic illnesses probably would, honestly. In fact, if we could have a quota, that would be super awesome. "I'm sorry, potential new illness. I already have two illnesses with slightly mind-numbing pain, so we're all stocked up here!" or "Hello, new unknown hurt - I already one illness with I-want-to-shit-my-pants pain so if you could just move along, that'd be awesome!"
But it doesn't work out like that.
And, more importantly, rarely do people with chronic illnesses generally allow themselves to think like that.
We're the grin and bear it types (and we often pride ourselves for that). We're the types who are in-tune with the world, more so than most, that we can still see how good we have it. We can rationalize that some people are dealing with cancer, some people don't have warm beds to nap in, some people don't have legs to even ache.
And while this is an exceptional mindset to have and take with us, I think some days we just need to look at the hand we've been dealt and allow ourselves to be pissed off about it. It may not be the worst hand ever. There may be millions of other people who were dealt more variations/amounts of crap than us. But that doesn't (nor should it) take away the fact that this is still our reality. We are still in pain. We are still suffering in our own ways, too. And to deny that, to ourselves or to others, does not serve anything.
I'm a big advocate of "giving up". I wasn't always this way, though. In fact, I was probably as far on the other side of the spectrum as one could possibly go; when life knocked me into the shit I always bounced back up immediately. Because I am stubborn. Because "that's what strong people do". Because lying around feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to fix anything. And while some of these may be true, constantly getting knocked down and immediately standing back up again is ex.haus.ting. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. And it took me a long long long LONG while to realize that, on some occasions, I had to give myself permission to stop and lie in that pile of shit. To say, "Dude, I'm in a pile of shit right now. And this shit sucks. I am not happy about this shit."
Because how can I accept my situation if I don't ever fully acknowledge it? If I don't let myself feel, to the very depths and ends of my feelers, the emotions I have about it?
And you know what? I know, at some point, I'm going to get back up again. That's just what I do. That's just how I'm made. But I have to honor the part of me, the feelings I have, that aren't always so warm and fuzzy and positive about my chronic illnesses. I have to let myself lie in the shit and look at the stars and bitch and moan a little bit while I renew my strength so that, when I am ready to get up and fight again, I will have a new place to start from. I won't have to carry buried resentment I might have for these illnesses, because I'm already shouldering enough weight carrying the illnesses themselves.
So, I'm holding up my punchpass for today. It's my wee little white flag that says, "SEE THE PUNCHPASS, CHRONIC ILLNESSES? OFF. LIMIIIITS." followed by a menagerie of colorful language. Maybe I will hold it up for a couple days even, I don't know. Because I'm frustrated. Because these chronic illnesses suck and I'm pissed at them. I'm pissed I have a new one added to my list that I have to worry about. I'm pissed because I'm stuck and I don't feel well and fighting all the time is exhausting. So, yes, I'm gonna go over here and grumble and bitch for a while, shake off the chips on my shoulders, and then at some point I'm sure -- I'm not that concerned about it -- get back up and kick some more ass.
Because that's just what we do. That's just how we're made. Especially when we've given ourselves permission to feel what we need to feel about it.