Chronic Trading

You know, for the most part, I'm a fairly positive person. There is so much to look forward to and so many things to be happy about and excited for... somedays it's almost difficult not to be positive.

But then there are days where things catch up to me.

Today is one of those days.

I am fully aware how incredibly, insanely, ridiculously blessed I am. But it's just-- I want to do so much and it is so difficult for me to not be able to.

I have always struggled with limitations, though. The entirety of an eating disorder is ignoring limitations. I pushed myself too hard for too long in the most unhealthy ways and now, dysautonomia has forced me to respect my limitations. Because if I push myself too hard or too long, even just a little bit, I am immediately sick and bed-ridden for days. Sometimes, weeks. Hell, when I was really sick, overdoing it had me out of commission for months.

After a long, relaxing, beautiful summer, I'm back at work. And I love my job. But, working full time now means all that "energy" I had to do things I wanted to do, like write and go on runs with my dog and watch my husband play hockey, is gone. Now, it is reserved only for my 8 hour work day (and I can barely make it through that). I get home and I'm too exhausted to take my dog for a walk. I am too tired to even think about writing or editing or typing up a blog post. All I can do is sit on the couch and think about all the things I want to do but can't.

It must be so damn awesome to go to work and then come home and have enough (any!) energy stored over to make dinner or read a book or hang out with your family. To get to do all the things you are passionate about doing, and to do them, rather than having to pick and choose which ones you can manage. Not knowing when, or if, you'll get to the other things you love any time soon.

It wasn't long ago that I couldn't even get up and move around my house, let alone hold down a job, though. And that is something that is never far from my mind. And oh my God I am SO grateful that I am able to do what I'm doing now. I realize my health and situation and everything are things other people, who are in far worse situations, would envy. I get that. I do.

But some days it's like I just have to acknowledge it. That instead of keepin-on keepin on, instead of drowning in positivity and unicorn dust and bunny farts, that have to accept that the whole situation can be pretty shitty.  That it is really hard to have so many things I love and so many people I love and to not be able to throw myself into all of them as much as I want to. That somedays, like today, it is heart-breaking to have a chronic illness where you have trade parts of your life in for another.