K, M, J...

I've been struggling lately with the fact that people come and go.

I suppose I always thought if I wanted someone in my life, and put forth the effort, they would stay. But that isn't always the case.

It is not really a secret that I haven't always been the best at keeping in touch (read: um, I'm kind of horrible at it). I realize this could be a lot of it. But, over the last couple years, I have reached out to a few people from my past, and it always seems to be a reach that is never met. Is that because I did something wrong? Because I did such a poor job in communicating? Or just because people grow apart through no ones fault, and that is something I need to accept?

I think one of the hardest things for me is when this happens, when people don't want to talk to me/don't want to be my friend anymore/move on, and I don't know why.

But that's just how the cookie crumbles. There are people who I was absolutely, positively, certain would always be in my life and, for whatever reason, they no longer are. I guess the worst part is that I wonder if my depression or anxiety and such had something to do with it. Not in the sense that they couldn't accept me with those, but more that I withdrew into myself so much that I just wasn't really "there" to them anymore. Maybe they kept reaching out to me and I was the one who never returned their effort.

Or, of course, it could all just be because people come and go.

It makes me sad, but it makes sense. You change, people change. Your heart has to make way for those who help serve it at this point in your life. But, I suppose what doesn't change is the fact that there are some people who were really important to you, and -- for whatever reason -- they aren't anymore.

Do they know that they were? If they did, would we still have grown apart? Maybe, what it comes down to, is that they were more important to me than I was to them. Not in a vindictive way, but just because our hearts are our hearts.

I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish when I try to get back in touch with people from the past. Maybe I want to understand what happened. It might be my way of trying to say sorry, Or, perhaps I am just trying to be at peace with the fact that, at one point, we sat next to each other in a car, driving through a late night, singing songs and laughing as the future was splayed out in front of us.

And now, for whatever reason, there is only space and memory between us.

Memory which, in all possibility, is alive only for me.