July 3rd, 2014

When I was little, I wrote in a diary all. the. time. I still do these days, too -- just not as often. I have about 20 journals sitting in the bottom right drawer of my roll-top desk. All entirely full of scribbles and thoughts and anxiety and teenage angst. My God, the embarrassment is so acute that whenever I read back through them it is almost painful!

Of course, there are some entries that make me giggle -- usually about the boys I loved in middle school (ahem, Mark, ahem).

Anywaaaaaaay, I've been thinking a lot about my blogging the past couple weeks and, tonight, mulled over a dichotomy.

Usually it's a bit fearful for me to post a blog. I get riddled with anxiety (because, well, first of all because I am only recently realizing that I might have a bit of an anxiety disorder). But, also because opening up is difficult and scary. A lot of times, it's very weird for me because I write things never knowing if anybody reads them. Usually thinking that no one does. It makes me wrestle with a sense of loneliness and uncertainty. Which is curious to me -- something I'm examining to understand about myself.

But, tonight though, it feels like it's the opposite.

You know how sometimes, when you look at the night sky, some people say they feel so tiny and insignificant and small? It was surprising for me to hear that because I always felt the opposite. It was incredibly amazing to me that I was a part of something so beautiful. That I could just sit there and look at all of this with my own eyes. It made me feel larger than life.

With that said, it's interesting that most nights I don't know if anybody reads this. But, tonight, it's OK. The universe can seem so large at times. I have journal after journal that proves just that.

I suppose, what I'm saying is: thank you, kind reader(s) (;P), for allowing me to sit here and look at the stars with you.

To Blog, Or Not To Blog

I have never been a big fan of blogging. Mostly because, what do I have to say that is worth writing/blogging/reading about? Other than naps, I'm not an expert at anything. And I'm more about annoying, quippy one-liners than I am about sentences and paragraphs and a linear train-of-thought. 

But, a few days ago, I considered reconsidering blogging. I'm always hearing how it's good for "this" or helpful for "that", or how you can't get your name recognized without it these days. Which, now that I think about it, is another reason I'm not too fond of blogging; blabbing about things just to "get myself out there" feels weird to me. Besides, I have all these awesome friends who blog and actually have something to SAY!

So, all of that made me stop considering my reconsidering again... until this morning. I was meandering through my typical routine when I came across an article (this one*) about a woman who overcame an eating disorder and is using Tumblr to promote body positivity. I thought, "That is really, freaking fantastic!" Not only that she kicked some eating-disorder-ass, but also that she is sharing her life beyond it and using it as a way to connect and support other people. Only recently had I considered that something I wrote might actually benefit people who have (or are still struggling with) eating disorders and have begun searching for an agent to help me get it out there. As any writer will tell you, this process sucks. But, this morning, as I was neurotically stalking my inbox for query replies and thinking about this awesome lady who is helping people in any way she can, I realized -- maybe I do have something to blog about. Because, you know, not everyone has had, and beaten, an eating disorder. Not everyone has been able to pick apart anorexia and understand it like I have. Not everyone is in a spot, yet, where they feel OK to talk candidly about their struggles and the absolute wonder of recovery.

Maybe there are more people out there than I realize who need to hear about this -- not just from a book I wrote, but from me. And I realized, if that is the case -- if there are people, right now, looking on the internet for some hope or someone who understands -- then I owe it to them to get over my anti-blogging/I have nothing to say crap and start talking. So, here I am. Blogging. My first bloggity blogblog bloggeroo. My hope for this post, and for any future one, is that I can help you realize that you are not alone. Because, now that I think about it, maybe that's what blogging is really all about.

*This article contains specific numbers and could be triggering for some people.